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claudia grew! O.O

lets start with a cliche phrase..."the last few days have been amazing" and make it a reality. yes, believe it or not that little phrase has described my experience in mexico. so, at first i had a trouble with the whole childhood melancholy but in the days afterward i came to terms with it and really enjoyed myself! i did things i have never done or gone to before,it was just amazing! spending a whole day in san migel? done! going and exploring guanajuato by going places i never went to? done! going to the lucha libre? also done >.< it was just amazing. i am really going to miss the whole laid back atmosphere...the people, the culture, my family...and being with aaron every day. I am quite aware that school is starting soon...which means...ill have to move..
and ill go from being surrounded by people to...
being alone.


oh, and new news on claudia :] she grew while i was gone...i had to transplant her. i guess she was angry though because i got hurt in the process...i don't blame her...she needs more water.

childhood?

so, im finally in mexico...
thoughts of college,life and problems are easy to forget. as i walk through these familiar streets,i can´t help but think how much everything has changed. It´s kind of hard to imagine that i havent been in this city for years. to think that this was my childhood home...i seem to fit perfectly into the nature of the city...but i am a complete stranger. I once thought that i did not belong to holland since i was a foreigner,but even in my home town i am but a stranger. i walk these streets just like everyone else,but everyone has changed,everyone has aged, i have changed, i have aged. I know no faces, i know no places, but i must realize that this is ok. I might never belong to one place but the memories will still remain.
As i sit here in this strange place, behind a screen in a cyber cafe, i can only feel melancholy. Of the things that could´ve been, of the things that could´ve been prevented...but things happen for a reason.
i hope that reason is good enough.

i watched toy story last night.
couldn´t help but cry
in that bed
where i layed
as a a child
i once again
cried

This just seems like an ungoing echo...

I am quite aware that for most of my senior year i begged and longed for free time..but now,unable to find a job and anything to do i find myself with too much time. I can't believe that i am going crazy now that i have what i always wanted..free time. This small life transition is kind of scary, finding an apartment is proving to be a challenge, and some family matters are becoming frustrating.
This week i went to go look at studios with my parents..they were...pretty bad...The location was good,and the price was amazing, but they were crammed and trashed...I was assured that they would clean them up before i moved in,but i don't know how much truth lays in that promise.
there is good news though! :]
Once again,i'll be going to mexico,and once again it isn't for vacation exactly. My grandpa has gotten more ill since we left,he needs more attention and care. Yet unlike last time the trip won't just be a mix of grief and melancholy. Aaron gets to come along (after almost not being able to because of his dad, thank god my parents are good at changing people's minds).
So we'll see how this all goes...
I am anxious to go, curious as to how things have changed...and scared for when i get back.
Hopefully everything will work out.

hi claudia

A few weeks ago,when i was hanging out with Aaron,we were in a long search for certain kinds of pens after we went to a pizzeria. If you know us at all,we became distracted in the store and ended up talking instead of looking for the item. We then came across cacti that they were selling. It was our 2months together in that particular day,so even though he had made me this awesome present,he decided to buy Claudia for me. She's very pretty,although just today her beautiful flowers fell and her thorns grew longer....i know it's part of her cycle in life,but i can't help but to be glad that this isn't a book..that would be bad foreshadowing....
Anyways,memorial day weekend...and i am stuck here at home.
I have to be honest and say that i don't mind,it gives me time to finally relax.The only thing that kind of sucks is the fact that Aaron is gone,but hey,ill see him when he gets back in town,i miss him though. at the same time i feel silly saying that since he is only gone 3 days...i am back to the whole over-thinking deal...at least Aaron over-thinking too,so i no longer see it as a flaw but a characters trait.
Today though,is dara's get together,ill be late since my dad is talking on the phone...health problems in Mexico again...i am worried.
My arm still hurts and to make things go from bad to worse....i slept on it wrong and now i can't lift it...so i just spent the whole morning reading aj's journal :]. Yes,can you believe he is actually letting me read it? i must say that i am really glad, i know that it's really unorthodox to let others read your journal,but...I am glad he is...i can relate to a lot of stuff he went through, i can't wait to ask him questions when he comes back.
I should probably go blow dry my hair...and finish browsing through music :D i finally have time again.

au revoir

these last few weeks are proving to be really chaotic...yes, i am aware that it is senior year,but i never knew how scary this was going to be. Although looking for new apartments is fun,the idea of uncertainty in what the next few months holds does not please me.

The weather is finally warm, yet i can't help but feel lazy because of it. I might be putting off a lot of things, and that just doesn't help anything at all...
oh well...

at least my sister has some inspiration, she's currently making a swim suit,out of....pop can tops...i am still not sure how it will turn out but it's a good idea....

hello, nice to see you again.

Spring might bring warm breezes and those cool showers that we all love;but with all that greatness comes something far more grim. Well...maybe i am exaggerating, it's actually quite an enjoyable hobby. yes, it's back, it's finally softball season :D. Even though this year i haven't really prepared for it (because of my classes, and then those weird pains that come and go from time to time) I was extremely excited about it this year. Something is different, i don't feel like anything is holding me back and for a strange reason or another i feel as though i am supported in my decisions this year. No one is looking down upon them or pressuring me, it just feels wonderful! Tryouts were terrible, and what i mean by that is that they were extremely hard, but i must say my masochistic side enjoyed them a lot. There is just something about it being softball season that makes everything feel better, perhaps it's that i associate it as a signal of summer, even though the weather isn't summer-like yet...
To my surprise i made it again this year, and today was the first practice. If practices are like this or tryouts my team mates and i are going to be in tip top shape for bikini season in the summer >.<! I must say that my highlight of the day was rushing to the south building in my practice clothes just so i could go to NAHS. I love art, but there is something about the atmosphere of that group that...i don't know makes me feel as though i shouldn't be there; besides that though this week seems to be promising! Yesterday i got to go to GVSU on a field-trip to take a test for AP chem (yes you heard me a test!), but hey i got to miss most of school ;D. then came tryouts, then came taking a 5 minute shower and quickly rushing to the school to see if i made the team or not, then came the great news, and after that a little get-together. Now i have WOSTOCK to look forward to, and then spring break :] mmm life is being nice this week :D

WHY NOW?! SPECIALLY AT SCHOOL!!!

stupid genes, and jeans, because of you today i had to go through one of the most embarrassing things in my high school years...It all started like any other day...except for the fact that the juniors were taking the ACT test or something, to be honest my mind checked out last week. First three hours of the day went fine, and nothing pointed to anything out of the ordinary happening. For some reason though as i walked into Propst room something changed. Maybe it was the fact that i skipped breakfast, or maybe it was the room, i don't know...it didn't help that she started the class by having us stand up while she talked. Normally i don't mind, but after a minute of standing up i started to feel anxious, the room seemed to be too hot, and all of a sudden a feeling of complete disgust kicked in. I have no idea what she said in those minutes of talking, all i can remember is telling myself "don't throw up, don't throw up, don't THROW UP!". I couldn't help it though, i felt like i was going to faint, i sat down and quickly went to the bathroom as she finished. I had to go home. I tried to make my way down the hallway without falling or blacking out, but i felt the darkness closing in. Thankfully for me as i walked down that hallway i saw an afro reading in a bench; it was dara. Although he didn't know what was happening he came with me to the office where everything went from bad to worse. I don't know what was wrong or how to describe the pain i felt, all i knew is that i had no control over it. I called my dad as i struggled to keep it together, and then sat on a chair...everything felt warm, and anxiety was all around me. The pain was terrible but i started to worry as i started to loose control of my hands. They felt numb, and i could not close it, i started saying i couldn't feel them so the ladies there brought me a cup of water, i...crushed it.
I'm just glad i didn't go to the hospital, and that nothing worse happened.

i know...but i don't want to

i have always hated not being in control of things...but for the past  couple of months this lack of control seems to be like a nice surprise. I am not sure if i am making some of the same mistakes i once did. I am not even sure if i am going to end up the way i swore i never would again..., i am not sure about many things...but after days of reflecting i know this...no matter how hard we try there is nothing we can do to protect ourselves. In this cruel world we will always end up being hurt one way or another, but that shouldn't keep us from doing what we want.

I think I'll take a risk, after all what do i have to loose anymore?

Orchestra


It's funny how much we despise something once we are in it, but long for it once we know we can't return. After finally quitting orchestra this year i couldn't help but feel a little remorse and a bit of melancholy as i sat in the top row and watched my sister. There are a few things that i regret, and although part of me misses orchestra, quitting is not one of them. Yes, i did love the feeling of being so caught up in music one loose all sense of self and time. It is like being engulfed into a tangent universe where there is no body and the spirit is able to fly free. Yet despite all that joy i always felt guilty in that class...why? well because i didn't practice. yes i love music but i am not a musician. I can't deny though that orchestra was a big part of my high school career, all those concerts, rehearsals, practices and uniforms that used to be such a hassle are now a nice memory. Part of me wishes that it was still like that; that i would still need to put on that long black skirt and carry my violin, but that is just the part of me that isn't ready to accept that high school is almost over. As i sat on that top row of the auditorium today watching the freshmen play, i said one last good bye to my freshmen self. good bye old buddy, it is now time to grow...

Study Nights

I find it quite odd that i always tend to write when i am studying for chemistry....shouldn't i want to write when i am doing something English inspired instead of science? Who knows, Diana's mind works in mysterious ways...It's honestly just starting to shut down, procrastination has been getting the best of me. I've mostly been focusing in whatever catches my eye at the beginning of the day, unfortunately that has started to be the fashion industry again. Perhaps i am not the one to blame, it's not my fault that fashion week was just a few days ago. All the colors, all the prints, all the cuts and fits...they are just too tempting to ignore. But, alas it's not bad, people always get inspired by things, maybe I'll learn to get inspired by fabric.
Overall the week has started good, when procrastinating one often thinks that test scores will go down; i hope that's not the case tomorrow.
It's crazy to think we only have a few more days of 2nd tri; this year has been going by so fast...crazy to think that i won't be seeing these people next year (well most of these people).
baked a cake with Brenda over the weekend, turned out like this:

i also completely forgot about valentines day this year, totally flew by, but it wasn't a bad day, not a bad day at all.